When Love Hurts, Schools Can Help

Chris Brown’s arrest for assaulting Rihanna may have placed a national spotlight on dating violence, but with one in five high school girls reporting that they’re physically or sexually hurt by their partner, chances are that one may be a student of yours. Health teacher Ann Burke of North Kingstown, RI, created the Lindsay Ann Burke Memorial Fund to educate 7th through 12th graders about dating violence after her daughter was murdered a few years ago by her ex-boyfriend. 

Did you have any hint that this would happen to Lindsay?
I had an idea. No one else did. Everyone else said it wouldn’t go that far. Even though she hadn’t admitted to it, in my gut I thought something like this could happen. I was frantic. A lot of mothers have that gut feeling. But it’s not like I knew immediately. Lindsay, like us, had never been educated in domestic violence or dating violence. We didn’t know anyone who had experienced it. But I saw things that didn’t seem right, some red flags, and I started asking around.

How common is dating violence among teens?
It’s a major health issue. One in five high school girls is physically or sexually hurt by a dating partner. One in three teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships. One in three teens say they are text messaged 10, 20, 30 times an hour by a partner keeping tabs on them.

Are enough parents talking to their kids about dating violence?
They think it’s not going to happen to them. Not my child. I can’t say that I blame them. I was clueless. I never would have believed it would happen to my child. Most parents think “Oh, they’re hitting you, just drop the guy and get out.” They have no clue of the dynamics, the psychological effects, the barriers to a victim leaving the relationship. Unless you understand that, you’re going to have one heck of a time trying to get your child out of that relationship.

What are some of the red flags and what should teens and teachers be looking out for?
Some of the warning signs are quick involvement, pressuring for a commitment early on, criticizing your friends or family, keeping tabs on you by constant calling or texting, wanting to know where you are and who you are with, telling you what to wear, being jealous of the time you spend with others.

Are kids getting enough information about this subject?
Previously in Rhode Island, dating violence was taught sporadically by some health teachers. Our State Coalition Against Domestic Violence taught lessons, but not in all schools. A student would hear about this topic maybe once during their school career. I mean, we wouldn’t think of teaching children once in 12 years about drugs. As a health teacher it didn’t make sense to me.

And you helped change that by pushing for passage of Lindsay’s Law in Rhode Island?
Yes. Lindsay’s Law requires that dating violence be taught in health classes from 7th grade through 12th grade. So far, we’ve covered 89 schools in Rhode Island, and we have a good number of towns that have passed policies or are waiting for final approval.

How do we get other states to do the same?
Several states are looking into similar laws, and a few have bills pending but they’re getting watered down because they don’t know how to pay for it. Rhode Island is a small state, and we said through the memorial fund we could provide training and curriculum materials for free. That helps a lot. But other states need to get funding for this.

What difference can mandatory education make?
I believe this is going to save lives. There is no doubt in my mind. We’ll never be able to know how many lives were saved, how many teens we’ll keep out of abusive relationships. But two of my own students told me that because of their education in my class in 8th grade they were later able to get themselves out of abusive relationships. They and their friends had the knowledge and they put it together quicker. I know the education works. I think slowly we’re going to see change in this country. We can’t go back and undo the past, but it’s time for everybody to wake up. Children are being affected, and some of them are losing their lives.

What can you do to help someone in an abusive relationship?
Listen. Be supportive. Don’t judge or pressure. Help the victim identify abusive behaviors. Tell them it’s not their fault. They seem like simple things but they are very, very important. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit their Web site. Teen victims can also call the National Teen Dating Violence Hotline: 1-866-331-9474 or visit their Web site .

What are some helpful books that librarians should have on their shelves?
And as far as librarians, every high school library ought to have Breathing Underwater (HarperCollins, 2001) by Alex Flinn and Dreamland (Viking, 2000) by Sarah Dessen. They’re two fiction books about teens and abusive relationships. They’re a nice tool to use in classrooms.